And it involves a new heroine in the mix, apparently:
Presented below is the script in its entirety. This is not mine, so credit goes to whoever thought of it first.
INTRODUCTION
Peter David once wrote a rather humorous script called "But I
digress", where Snow White, Ariel, Belle and Jasmine got together and
discussed various topics. The characters were satirized to the extreme, with
all the Disney characters insulting each other and making wise remarks. If you
want to see, Tony Cha's got a transcript on his webpage. (Tony, I expect to be
well paid for this advertising.) Having perhaps a little too much time on my
hands, I decided to adapt his idea into a completely new script. Instead of a
roundtable discussion, the Disney characters appear on a fictitious talk show (so don't
bother searching the Disney channel for this one) and all the characters are
from the modern era (i.e. post-TLM). I tried to keep the number down so some
heroines, namely Nala and Esmeralda, do not appear in this script. To fans of
those characters, my apologies. But why post this to the Arielholics mailing
list, you might wonder... hmmm, I'm wondering that too, so if anyone figures
out, email me. :) Finally, this script will be put up on Anita's webpage. In
the unlikely chance that you actually like this script and somehow delete it,
go to Anita's page. Good ol' Anita, you can always depend on her. (Anita, I
expect to be well paid by you as well.) So if you've got some time, feel
extremely bored and want to waste a few minutes, read on:
DISCLAIMER: This script is rated R. It has coarse language, high
level violence, adult themes, nudity and sex scenes. (Yeah!!!) Just kidding.
(Aww...) Some scenes may offend or shock some readers. The writer of this
script accepts no responsibility for any psychological trauma inflicted by this
script. Let's assume Freud was right, so sue your mom instead.
WALT DISNEY PICTURES
AND TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX
IN ASSOCIATION WITH FREEDOM PRODUCTIONS LIMITED
PROUDLY PRESENT
THE DISNEY FORUM
A PLAY BY JOEL KING
STARRING
ARIEL
BELLE
JASMINE
POCAHONTAS
MEGARA
AND THE ARIELHOLICS
SPECIAL GUEST STAR ANASTASIA
(I'M SERIOUS ABOUT THAT ONE)
AND THE SEVEN DWARFS
(OKAY, MAYBE NOT ABOUT THAT ONE)
---
ACT ONE, SCENE ONE: BACKSTAGE OF A TV STUDIO
Ariel and Belle are talking.
BELLE: (complaining) And he's so uncommunicative. We never talk
anymore. Personally, I think he's been busy with that cleaning maid.
ARIEL: (sympathetically) All men are like that. The only things
Eric says nowadays are "Are you going to eat that?" and "Stop
hogging the blanket."
Jasmine walks up to them.
ARIEL: (whispering) Ugh... don't look now. It's Miss Street Mouse.
JASMINE: Hey, do you know where the bathroom is?
ARIEL: (helpfully) I think it's down that corridor.
JASMINE: Thanks.
Jasmine leaves.
BELLE: Ariel, that's the exit.
ARIEL: (exaggerating) Whoops. Geez, how could I make such a
mistake?
Debbie opens a side door and looks at them.
DEBBIE: Hey, you guys are on in five minutes! Got it? (looks at
them again) I thought Jasmine was going to be here.
ARIEL: She must have got... um, lost.
DEBBIE: Whatever. Five minutes!
---
ACT TWO, SCENE TWO: ONSTAGE
Dan walks onstage. Everyone claps.
DAN: (nods) Thank you, thank you. Please, please.
Applause stops.
Hi, I'm your host, Dan Black, and welcome to the Disney Forum.
Today we've got some special guests on the show. They'll be telling us their
thoughts on the topic of the public impact of their respective films. Please
give a warm welcome to Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Pocahontas and Meg!
Applause as Ariel, Belle, Pocahontas and Meg enter. They wave and
then sit down. The applause continues for another minute and then stops.
DAN: Okay, welcome on the show.
ARIEL: Thanks, Dan.
In the audience, Jay raises his hand.
DAN: Hey, we're one minute into the show and we already have a
question. Go ahead, Jay.
Jay stands.
JAY: I thought Jasmine was going to be here as well.
ARIEL: She must have got lost.
BELLE: Yeah, with all those confusing corridors backstage, it's
bound to happen to anyone. After all, she's been stuck in a palace all her
life. No wonder she's got a lousy sense of direction.
Jay sits down.
DAN: Okay, today's topic is: What sort of impact do you think each
of your films had on the general public? We'll start with Meg.
MEG: Well, I think Hercules did pretty well. It
was fresh and entertaining.
ARIEL: It was a flop!
POCAHONTAS: I rather liked yours, Meg.
MEG: Thanks, Pocahontas.
BELLE: (to Pocahontas) Yours was a flop too! Everyone was
expecting so much after The Lion King and you let us down!
POCAHONTAS: Well, sor-rie for not having any stupid
"happy-happy" songs with lots of little animals dancing.
ARIEL: They're not stupid! They played a crucial part in the
movie, although I don't know what the point of "Be Our Guest" was.
BELLE: Hey! I thought you were on my side!
MEG: Whooo... what cutting betrayal! Et tu, Ariel?
ARIEL: Shut up! No one asked for your smart aleck comments!
MEG: What's the matter? The little princess can dish it out, but
can't hack it herself?
Marci raises her hand.
ALL: What?
Marci stands up.
MARCI: Not that I don't enjoy seeing my favorite Disney characters
argue like a bunch of fighting cocks...
Paul looks at her strangely.
MARCI: Not those sorts of cocks!
PAUL: Oh.
DAN: Go on, Marci.
ARIEL: Can we try to speed this up? I've got a merchandising
meeting to attend soon.
POCAHONTAS: I promised to help with the harvest.
MARCI: Okay, okay. Disney seems to be moving away from the
"prince/princess fairy tale" sort of story. What do you think about
it?
MEG: Obviously, it's an indication that spoiled little princesses
aren't needed anymore.
ARIEL: That's not true! The classic fairy tale has always taught
little children important morals!
MEG: Like the only thing important to women is a hunky husband?
POCAHONTAS: Well, in all fairness, Meg, Hercules is rather
"hunky" himself.
ARIEL: (dreamingly) Yeah... he's so beautiful.
BELLE: Isn't that what you said about Eric?
ARIEL: (snaps back to reality) What?
BELLE: You said Eric was (patronizingly) "so beautiful"
as well.
ARIEL: Well, just because I'm married doesn't mean I can't look.
MEG: That's all that seems to matter to you, Ariel: looks, looks,
looks. Face it, you're just another hormone-driven teenager.
ARIEL: I resent that comment!
MEG: You would!
ARIEL: At least I'm not a feministic man-hater!
MEG: At least I'm not a spoiled little bimbo!
DAN: Um, I think we'll take a short break.
---
ACT TWO, SCENE TWO: ONSTAGE
DAN: Welcome back. In case you've just tuned into the Disney
Forum, today's topic is: What sort of impact did certain Disney films have on
the general public. Belle's been rather quiet. We'll start with her.
BELLE: I think Beauty and the Beast is a great
picture.
MEG: We're not too up ourselves, are we?
BELLE: Hey, the public thought so. We got six Academy Award
nominations! Including Best Picture!
POCAHONTAS: Here we go again...
ARIEL: I think you ran on my movie's momentum. If it wasn't
for The Little Mermaid, yours wouldn't have done half as well.
Tony raises his hand. Dan nods and Tony stands up.
TONY: I don't believe that's true, Ariel. Beauty and the
Beast is a wonderful film in its own right.
MEG: I liked the musical version better. Especially the original
Broadway one. That Belle had a great voice. Really superb.
POCAHONTAS: Look who's talking about people being up themselves.
DAN: Okay, Ariel, what about your film?
ARIEL: I think The Little Mermaid was the one
which gave new life into Disney animation. Face it, before my film, Disney was
having a dry run. All the ones after mine rode on its success.
TONY: Hey, I just said...
Ariel clicks her fingers and a group of loyalist Arielholics led
by Urchin take him away.
ARIEL: Now, what was I doing again?
MEG: Inflating your own ego.
ARIEL: Hey, look at my following! I've got my own annual
convention!
MEG: A bunch of obsessed fanatics all flocking to Disney World and
dancing like idiots in a parade. Gee, I'm so jealous.
ANITA: Excuse me, I organized that!
MEG: Now we know who to blame.
TIM: ArielCon was good fun!
MEG: Mindless fun is more like it.
ARIEL: (to Meg) At least I have a following.
BELLE: No offense, Ariel, but a lot of your followers are also big
fans of the rest of us as well. We have followings of our own too.
ARIEL: Hey, my film's been re-released twice!
MEG: Haven't they suffered enough already?
ARIEL: You're lucky that yours is getting on video! I mean, that
song "I Won't Say" is just awful!
BELLE: I thought it was a fascinating commentary on a rather
complex psychological state.
POCAHONTAS: What?
MEG: Thanks, Belle... I think. Back to my song - it's refreshing
and new. I mean, yours is just stupid, Ariel. "Where they don't reprimand
their daughters?" Yeah, right! Talk about naive!
Jasmine enters.
JASMINE: (angrilly) Ariel!!!
POCAHONTAS: Hey, she's back.
BELLE: To state the obvious.
DAN: Well, it's time for a break. Stay tuned.
---
ACT TWO, SCENE THREE: ONSTAGE
DAN: Welcome back. Okay, let's continue the discussion with
Pocahontas. How do you feel your film went?
POCAHONTAS: Although it wasn't necessarily a financial success, it
brought a sense of seriousness to Disney animation, as well as considering many
ethical issues.
BELLE: In other words, it was a documentary.
MEG: And not very historically accurate at that.
Marci stands up.
MARCI: (shouting) It's a movie! It's not meant to be historically
accurate.
MEG: Hey, look. It's a loony Arielholic. Security!
Marci is dragged away. Celia tackles a security guard. The rest of
the Arielholics attack the security people.
DOUG: Die, you pathetic piece of pond scum!!!
WILLIAM: You call this bacon?
DREY: What lovely grapes!
CERI: Hey! Someone's touching me!
LORI: Some cheese, one pound!
SIRENA: I... can't... breathe...
TERRI: Ten yards.
STEVE: I'll get the knife.
TERRY: Ow!
SHAD: Excuse me! Please let me through!
CHRIS: Who's got their foot in my face?
JEFF: This bread...
OCARINA: I've got mace!
ANNA: Those fish... they smell!
JOEL: Argh!!!
JOZEF: Madam's mistaken.
Dan ignores the fight.
DAN: Please continue.
POCAHONTAS: I thought "Colors of the Wind" was
especially significant. Not only was it breathtaking, but it also highlighted
the issue of land abuse and respect for nature.
BELLE: How environmentally sound.
MEG: Greenie on the loose!
ARIEL: (gasping) Help me!
DAN: Um, Jasmine, perhaps you can stop strangling Ariel for a
minute and talk to us about what impact your film had.
JASMINE: She tricked me!
ARIEL: (between gasps) It... wasn't... very... difficult.
Jasmine strangles Ariel even more. Pocahontas and Belle grab
Jasmine and force her away from Ariel.
POCAHONTAS: Stop it! We're all connected in the circle of life!
Whoops, wrong film.
BELLE: And Ariel's a fellow Disney heroine!
MEG: More importantly, Ariel's a profitable corporate trademark.
DAN: Okay, let's continue with Jasmine's comments.
JASMINE: Aladdin was obviously a remarkable success.
It was about dreams coming true and exploring whole new worlds.
MEG: "Dreams coming true?" "Exploring whole new
worlds?" How tacky can you get?
ARIEL: Sounds like mine.
BELLE: And a bit like mine.
ARIEL: Maybe that's why our films did well, Meg. Unlike some
others I won't mention...
A young woman with brown hair and blue eyes walks onstage.
POCAHONTAS: Who are you?
JASMINE: You look familiar...
BELLE: Anastasia?
ANYA: How's it going?
MEG: Hey, this is the Disney Forum.
ANYA: Yeah, but everyone thinks I'm a Disney character so I may as
well hang out with you people.
MEG: Sure, okay. At least you seem more intelligent than most of
these people. Then again, a toaster would be smarter than these four spoiled
brats.
DAN: Er, okay. So, um, Anastasia...
ANYA: Anastasia's kinda formal. You can call me Anya, Dan.
Anya smiles at him. Dan blushes.
DAN: Okay, Anya, what sort of impact did you think your film have?
ANYA: As you already know, Anastasia is Fox's first
real attempt at epic animation. I think it's good in that it's challenging
Disney's hold on the market and hopefully creating a little competition, which
should raise standards.
ARIEL: I think you copied a lot of my clothes.
ANYA: You're just upset that our two films were pitted against
each other. Nice try, but I still kicked.
ARIEL: Laugh it up, but you're taking on the almighty Disney,
Anya. Such a futile effort. Soon, your pathetic little rebellion will be
vanquished, along with your friends... yes, good, I feel the hatred within you.
Take your weapon. Strike me down.
ANYA: I'll never turn to the Disney Side!
ARIEL: It is the only way to save your friends. Your thoughts
betray you. Your feelings for them are strong, especially for... your dog. So
you have a dog... now your thoughts have betrayed him too. If you will not turn
to the Disney Side, then perhaps he will!
ANYA: Noooooo!!!
Anya charges at Ariel.
ARIEL: Argh!!! You stupid Fox character! Get therapy!
BELLE: (to Meg) Ten bucks on Ariel.
MEG: You're on. Go, Anya!
DAN: That's all we have time for. Join us tomorrow for tomorrow's
topic: Should the Contemporary Resort, built in the 1970s, be renamed? Remember
the magic, everyone!
THE END
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